I was going strong with BoomerangBeat until November/December of 2013.
My first run through the holiday season with a blog in tow, was coupled with learning I was pregnant for the first time and having to cope with the dreaded first trimester … which sucked the ever-living energy out of me.
Around March-April of this year, I began the transition into my second trimester and the energy that had eluded me all winter slowly trickled back in.
You’d think this would be a good thing.
Unfortunately, my renewed energy and ability to once again “do” brought along with it the question of “what am I doing?”
I guess after being physically dormant for four months, it’s understandable that my mind was curious.
Lying on the couch and sleeping more than I ever have as an adult only left me with uncertainty on where to re-start. Or if I could even do this with a baby coming.
Though the pregnancy was new, this internal dialogue was not. These mental interrogations have been common enough in my 20s that I knew this was just the beginning of a short term, mild anxiety attack.
Normally, these consisted of a few weeks of high stress, self-doubt and teenage-like breakouts. Recovering wasn’t too bad as my mind would naturally move on, allowing me to re-focus and pull my shit back together.
Not this time, though.
At the time, I didn’t understand what was happening. I knew I wasn’t depressed, I just felt numb. For the most part, my physical energy was back but my mental energy was nowhere to be found. All motivation and drive had disappeared.
Plus, I was so pre-occupied with the idea of a baby that I completely ignored my lack of motivation and drive for anything outside of that little world.
I don’t know what took me so long but by the middle of April, I finally called on Google.
I finally came to terms with the fact that something wasn’t quite right and surfacing that was probably the best thing I could’ve done for myself.
I was going through a mental slump brought on by decision-fatigue, my anxiety episode, and skepticism about my ability to achieve the career goals I so looked forward to (baby or not).
Simply put, my brain just puttered out on me. I was left with zero focus, a severe case of boredom, and frustration.
Like I said, the anxiety episode was nothing new, but the slump was and it’s not like it’s just something you can recognize and then “snap out of”. Once you’re in the deep of it, unfortunately you need to just let your brain work through it on its own. At least for me, anyways.
I wasn’t sad. I was just … nothing.
The thing is – once you realize you’ve hit the bottom-most point of whatever it is you’re going through and you start to come out of it, you’re not in the clear. You don’t go from resting back up to 100 mph with the snap of a finger.
You know that saying, “an object at rest, stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion” – well it’s true, especially for the mind. I was naïve to think that once I got out of “it”, everything would be back to normal.
But coming out of it is just getting the garage door to open … you still need to start the ignition and get back on the freeway. Which takes work.
Starting is intimidating
And re-starting is even harder. You don’t have a blank state this time, you have something half-created that you need to re-prioritize back into your life. That and you have the guilt/embarrassment of negligence on your shoulders. Perhaps you even have a handful of fans or readers to answer to for your absence. You had set expectations then failed to follow through on them … sometimes publicly.
Humbling, embarrassing, and a tough pill to swallow.
The only way to gain that respect and trust back – whether from yourself or others – is to get back on the highway for good.